Parent Memoirs With Equanimity

I love the serendipity of library roulette. I put a lot of books on hold, some of which take a long time because they are newer or rarer, some of which come in immediately.

Recently, my holds for End of Eve by Ariel Gore and Another Bullshit Night In Suck City by Nick Flynn came in at the same time. I groaned - whoa - that's two heavy "parents-with-mental-health-challenges" memoirs at once. But the timing turned out to be quite in tune.

ABNiSC is Flynn's memoir about the incredible intersection of his father's life and his own. He grows up without his dad, only really meeting him when Nick Flynn is in his 20's, after his mom has committed suicide. How they meet, however, is the crux - by the time thy meet, Nick is working in a homeless shelter and his dad is near-homeless, eventually winding up in the same place where Nick works.

EoE is about a two year period in Ariel Gore's life when her mom is dying of  stage four lung cancer. Gore moves her entire life - son, partner at that time, house - to where her mom wants to be as she dies. Of course, what was supposed to take a few months took two years, and revealed even deeper layers of her mother's narcissism (something Gore had struggled with for years) in the dying process.


I've heard about Flynn's book for a long time - it's a classic in the edgier memoir world. Gore is a writer I've followed for a long time - her memoir Atlas of the Human Heart completely lifted me out of a funk in my early twenties. Finding End of Eve came at a great time for me - noting the "half life anniversary" of my mom's death, I was ready to explore new depths of loss in regards to getting beyond anger in my own grief.

What both authors have - something that takes a lot of work to cultivate, especially at a younger age (both are now in their early 40's) - is equanimity. By equanimity, I do not mean no judgement - I mean attaining a certain state of understanding, compassion and clarity for oneself as well as for the person you are writing about - here, parents.

Because, let's face it, having clarity around one's parents is one of the hardest things to attain in life, much less in writing.

There's an inherent charge built into the parent-child relationship. Even if all goes well - finances are stable, circumstances are psychologically balanced, both parents of whatever gender - or more than two parents - are around - regardless, inherently a child is going to suffer as part of the growing process and so will the parents.

Flynn and Gore had particularly challenging growing up circumstances - the parents in question struggled with finances and/or mental health issues - but these memoirs focus on their adult relationships, trying to come back and be close to those same parents after a period of some remove - living elsewhere, not being in contact. There are no 100% happy reunions here, but they also don't drag the baggage of the past into an already complicated present situation. As adults - something not all adults are able to do - they are able to see the complexity of the situation and be with it - including anger, sadness, remorse and anxiety - having enough space to see the whole process in a larger light.

Both memoirs are dark. They don't end well, or not with a happy perky resolution, anyway. But I find them inspiring, uplifting, guides for how to work through my own ever-changing relationship with already dead parents. Even when they have been gone for half my life (Mom) or more (Dad), finding that equanimity can be a real journey with tremendous ups and downs. Co-compassion for myself and for them, and not relying on the easy out of blaming them for all my faults or struggles.

There are a million parent-memoirs out there - these two are especially good at modeling how to work with complexity with humor, grace, and poignancy.